Lightening bugs

Hello There,

Writing feels like picking up the phone and speaking to no one on the other side.  It isn't really about having someone listen but just listening to yourself. It's the lifelong journey of being your own best friend. Caring about your own successes and tribulations.  The reality is there is one life.. one amount of odd years and you need to figure out how to find happiness within it. 

We are just human. Human beings that are always trying to strive for perfection- when that doesn't exist. The reality is just finding happiness and peace in the flaws. So many people who have very little time ask to be here. Ask to be in this painful world that is often filled with doubt and difficulty. The reason being that they would rather be here then somewhere or no where. We take for granted how many worthy people leave this world. How many shining lights that really did bring in something with their presence. 

My friend died not so long ago. So many young individuals have passed on. It's strange. Isn't this suppose to be a reality when your 80? Not in you 20's.  I am so young but often feel so old.  

We are so much more then our past and thats what I'm still battling against. I'm battling against my self hatred and self doubt. I am my biggest enemy. I know I can make changes. They just need to happen.

Change will occur-

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Feeling Here

Hey Hello.

I feel as if I'm in an empty auditorium just before the big school concert.  I use to write often about my feelings. I use to be ok with exploring my every fear and concern and laying it out. It was easier to dissect and understand where my thoughts were leading. Now I'm afraid to travel down that road.

I'm afraid to see what is around that corner. I'd rather distract my mind with mindless videos in hopes that maybe - I wont feel that sense of panic. Just like right now. I believe I'm failing my very expensive immigration law course. I can't seem to focus...  I don't know if it's my own little hater. The tiny little creature that lived in the dark corners of my mind screaming.. You suck.   It's always there. Roosevelt called it his black dog. Mine is a little fly- buzzing around.

I have never felt the want to run away as I have now. I keep fantasizing of disappearing. Disappearing from everyone and just emerging as this beautiful wise being. It's crazy - what I yearn for is change. Change of mentality and change within myself. Here I am in this job I always wanted feeling as if everyone can see that I'm a imposter.

My imposter syndrome is red paint that I feel everyone can see. I need a therapist again. She made me feel a little more here vs there. My there is the cave maze that has surprise doubts and fears at every turn. I get stuck in it a lot. It's important to practice ways to bring yourself out. It's kinda like the matrix in that way. You gotta force yourself to be grounded and here. Right now your in the kitchen avoiding your homework.  Your here. Your alive. Semi-healthy- many want half of that.  

I gotta live in the now. Stop thinking about 6 years ago. They say the reason we reminisce is because we know how the story end. We feel safe in that. I want to keep the story going.

Over out.

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