Will This Pass Too?

 Dear Hidden World,

I felt that could run away from it but it seems like you have found me in my dreams. The medication has suppressed you throughout the day but at night you appear. The same story shows itself- me trying to get to you. To talk to you. To feel close to you but then you disappear and I’m left with is this longing to close the gap.

I know it’s not really you. I’ve consulted the cards and beaten myself with searching the answers. Trying to figure out what it all could mean. Without falling down the rabbit hole of delusion because I’ve been there before. I experienced ALL of this before and I know what lies at the end of the trail if I was to bound to it. 

One website said to look at repeating imagery or symbolism and try and understand what it means. The deeper meaning aside of pretty boy see me. I think I just wanted to feel seen as a child. To truly be seen and accepted and loved.  OR made it could be my fear of being abandoned with this overwhelming feeling which I have experienced as a child. Cause it is abandonment. Or abandonment of myself.

I have been off of social media for a while and it’s been helpful- except today. Today you made your way into my head and looped like a movie. I shouldn’t feel this was. Anti-depressants were suppose to help my brains want for dopamine. 

I wish I knew what this all meant. Cause my heart beat so fast that day. I felt so drawn in and so nervous. Heart thudding a million miles per hour- could hardly hold your gaze. But I have felt this way before. All before and it was my mind just wanting to make something out of nothing to feel something. 

This too will pass. Just waiting for it to.

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Small Pills to Chase the Blues

Hello world,

It’s been a long time since I’ve graced your pages Since I’ve thrown out a thought or let my thoughts flow. I think it’s overall super important to allow yourself the ability to speak your truth even if it’s not everyone’s truth. I started taking medication recently meant to combat depression, anxiety, and depression. At first it worked with those reoccurring limerant thoughts and obsessive shopping compulsions. I think they are overall still working with shopping but I don’t think they have worked for stopping my thoughts about  you. Although I know the thoughts aren’t true. That my brain just wants to hold onto something that makes it feel alive and happy.

I can’t stop thinking of you and that one meeting we had in over 10 years. Isn’t it funny. How terrifying and wonderful it felt. How delusional it all is because I can trace those same emotions to people I felt the same way about before. But that were equally as delusional and untrue. Untrue because I don’t know you. The same way I didn’t know him. How both of you are equally fleeting and unreal. It’s like I keep going over a melody in my head that just gets stuck. Then I start to recreate it. Or how memories take on soft edges that are unreal. 

I’m glad I had some restraint and that I didn’t do anything too crazy. Too wild. Too- the word you used impulsive. It was all impulsive Like a drug addict chasing a high . I’ve been so depressed for so long that the glimmer of happiness regardless of how unreal it is sends me into a constant thought process that is hard to stop. Because it feels so good and so alive but overall damaging. 

The pill has helped a little. I have felt at times as if the fog has lifted and I can maybe get somewhere. But other times I just feel content on never getting anywhere. But am I chasing somewhere to feel. When will it be enough? 

I’m 33 years old and I still battle with the same thoughts and issues. Maybe it’s the radical acceptance that I will always.  That I just need to breathe through it and let the bubble float away.

Maybe I wont ever know. I just am happy that I continue trying. 

Thanks,

Watching memories

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Worthy

Hello out there! Let me whisper my feelings into this tiny room:

 I want to not feel like not dying. Which always sounds super dramatic. I don't  feel like this all the time  just when I start to feel like I'm failing or that I don't deserve something.  It's self sabotage and I want to stop feeling like this. I think I did well yesterday when I felt completely and utterly terrible but it felt great to hang out with my friend ( Panda) and get out. Be in the sunshine and near something like the ocean. That also seems to be in a state of chaos  some days but ok other days. If the ocean can be that way maybe I can as well? I need to learn how to ride that chaos and do things that make me happy. Not just exacerbate my sadness like being stuck on an endless digital drip.

I am 27 years old and I need to not be so hard on myself. We are always learning and growing as adults. No one  has it perfectly together and rarely individuals feel happy all the time. The time I felt the happiest I was also struggling so bad financially.  It's a se saw <--- most likely not how it's spelled. 

What caused my small meltdown? My high school paramour's youngest sister. Her name is Aubrey and she is 15 now! I have no idea why this fucked with me so hard. I think it was  because she still held so many tender memories and feelings for me and I could not compute. Literally- I had a wave of negative thoughts and shame. Sheer shame because I felt that I was this terrible human being who ripped her brother's heart out and stomped on it. 

But Panda was right- I have changed and acknowledge that was terrible and that is progress. The small things are progress and if I could redo that whole thing I would end it earlier when I lost the love.  And that is important to recognize.  I am worthy of love. I am capable of change.  I am worthy of love.

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Let's Melt The Colors

 Hey there internet void,

It's ya mess of a girl or woman. Woman more like it- since I am 27. Gosh 27 years old- seems like such a grown-up age. Aren't you suppose to have your shit together by this point? A house , kids and a divine understanding about how the world works?  I honestly believe its a lie that we are all told as children. That somehow as we age we become better people or that the divine being offers a bit of it's wisdom

I want to be happy and proud of the life I live. I know I am constantly holding myself back due to fear of failure. It paralyzes me so much that I don't even make a step forward or even backwards. I just stand still hoping the world will stand still with me. 

Ricardo is right. I am destroying myself. I am allowing myself to stop living and they can see that I have stopped living. My life has become a series of screens in which I don't allow myself to breath or to think. I immerse myself in alternative realities because it often seems so much better then my own. But this is the coward way out and just realistically a lame way to exist.  I want to feel alive and to feel alive I have to work on my self esteem.

I want to exist within my life as a major player and not just as a passive side character. My goals to getting my life back into play is:

- Do homework for my class. Don't give up! Even if your behind try to catch up as much as possible to at the very least get a C in the class.  You can do this! 

-Take hikes/ exercise after work. Something to get your body moving. Either take a walk or something to limber up the body. Care about what you put into your body because this is all you have for a very long time

- Do more self-care activities. Maybe during the break do meditation session. Write more often 

You can do this. Stop letting fear rule your actions. It's never too late.. dont give up.

Love you

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Long Days and Streaming light

Hey Soft Sounds,

I'm glad to be here where I am at. I am happy to be this complicated bundle of nerves and emotions. Also I'm glad to have woken up so early and have taken advantage of it. Even tho I am tired and feel like I could easily curl up in my bed. Those are the best days, when you can softly float into another world. When the bed feels like a a mother's arms rocking you to sleep. It's so tempting often to put a PAUSE on life. 

I am still unsure of my choices and of course think of you. Heck. I think of all you . Boys of my past with love hearts in their eyes. I hope your well. Wherever you are. I hope your happy and get the happiness you deserve . I wish every one of you smiles and caramel kisses. ooey gooey. The kind of love where you feel at ease with the world and finally can stop searching. I hope that love fills every crevice of your  being like a wave.

Maybe you were right that day by the cows. I just hope your happy. Because that is what love is right? Selfless and free. Even without me by your side . Sometimes I am not the best choice. Sometimes our timelines were only meant to briefly pass. Like the moon just misses the sun's beams but can still feel it's warmth. Sometimes our time with people is just a warmth of a hand and a smile. There is so much in that really. It's special even if it isn't forever. Somewhere in time I am stuck there forever- smiling at you as you smile at me. 

Sounds so tragic and beautiful. Do you think this is why people would paint? Just to capture the magic that lays in an evening. Maybe to hold onto it longer. They keep forgetting that oil paint and brush strokes can only do so much. Was that why van gough cut his ear and went insane. How was he to be happy when he couldn't hold it in his gaze longer then a second?

That's the hardest thing in life. Moving forward and letting yourself have more moments. It's the terrible and beautiful things about life knowing that everything will have an ending. Maybe that's why we enjoy it for a little bit longer. It's important to be present to be able to enjoy it. Many people live in the past and are constantly reminiscing. I don't want to be that person anymore. 

Taking little steps forward,

Me

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Red Heart On a Balloon String

Dear Cinnamon Skinned Boy,

With  velvet eyes 

& soft pillow lips

and a heart thudding smile. 

Goodbye. I'm tying  up this feeling  with golden twine and taping it with kisses.  Sending it off to float somewhere in the horizon. Let the pink and purple clouds warm the memories of laughter and uncertainty.   Let it float over the green forest and it's looming trees. Whose grandeur could never compare  to feelings I get  when your finger tips touch mine.

It's sad to know that this story will not have a written ending and just hang like single piano note in the air.  But I am glad to have lit the match to this disaster. Getting to feel like a 16 year old again made me realize I can experience those things again. It teaches me that love is vast and may doors exists to different roads. 

Goodbye toasted air and crackling logs. Goodbye cold damp air and wet bus stop seat. Goodbye boy with midnight hair. 

Floating through this feeling on a purple donut.

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Treat Me Like Fire

Quiero desperaser. Quiero sentirme amada y querida como meresco.

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