Red Heart On a Balloon String

Dear Cinnamon Skinned Boy,

With  velvet eyes 

& soft pillow lips

and a heart thudding smile. 

Goodbye. I'm tying  up this feeling  with golden twine and taping it with kisses.  Sending it off to float somewhere in the horizon. Let the pink and purple clouds warm the memories of laughter and uncertainty.   Let it float over the green forest and it's looming trees. Whose grandeur could never compare  to feelings I get  when your finger tips touch mine.

It's sad to know that this story will not have a written ending and just hang like single piano note in the air.  But I am glad to have lit the match to this disaster. Getting to feel like a 16 year old again made me realize I can experience those things again. It teaches me that love is vast and may doors exists to different roads. 

Goodbye toasted air and crackling logs. Goodbye cold damp air and wet bus stop seat. Goodbye boy with midnight hair. 

Floating through this feeling on a purple donut.

Continue

Treat Me Like Fire

Quiero desperaser. Quiero sentirme amada y querida como meresco.

Continue

Popping Bubbles

Hello silent crowd,

I spoke with my friend yesterday and I think she is right. I romanticize this whole affair in a way. He represents the  improbable fairy tale. We have never been together nor have had anything in the semblance of a relationship. It has always been these different encounters that never lead anywhere. If anything it leaves me with feeling insecure and anxious. Always chasing this vague promise of happiness. You look back at my journals it is always filled with this want . This want to feel secure in something or feel as if your feelings are returned. I think my moments of happiness with this person were always short. I had more fulfillment in a friendship with him versus whatever the heck that was.  I deserve my feelings being returned and the feeling of somewhat security. 

That's what I struggled with in reality. I wanted to be told to stay and work whatever this flame was. I wanted for him to tell me that he has been desperately thinking of me too and the what if. That our time was too short and he wanted a lifetime. As I write it it sounds silly. For him it was an encounter but to me it was a page in a book that we had been writing for a very long time. The reality is he told you to go back and continue being happy. To not change anything for him. That coming back and giving everything up for one person was unattractive. 

He doesn't desire this as much as I do. He is a figment. A glitter in the darkness that quickly disappears when you look for it. I've always have grown strong attachments to those who seemed improbable. Maybe because I know the ending and I am searching for validation of my worth. That I am worth it when they stay the night or write back.  It triggers my want to be  loved and to  be validated that I am worth it. I am more that that. 

I am more and if he doesn't want to get to know me then he is not worth my time. I am more than lips and breasts. I have so many people who love me and who have stayed with me. They see me. See me. That is special.They have seen me in every stage of vulnerability and avoidance and want me.

I am over thinking about this over romanticized version of a man that doesn't exists. I am over chasing approval and love when there are so many people throwing it at me. I am over living in clips and not looking at the whole movie reel. I'm done.

You are enough,

girl take off the rose colored glasses

Continue

Falling In Love or Infatuation

Hey been dying to meet you mmmm, 

It's like being told to stay away from the fire but I can't stop wondering about the flame. Is it warm or will it burn. Obviously the logical thought is it will burn. It happens each time I contact him. I start feeling terrible and upset for even being the first one to reach out . I start feeling weak and unsure. It's like this sick feeling at the pit of my stomach . I had this feeling before when I first cheated when I was kid. As in I'm risking doing this ..why aren't you meeting my level of excitement. Isn't this something wonderful for you too? Do you also get butterflies? Or am I just hallucinating.

The reality it is an excuse to just reach out and have contact. When it doesn't matter to have contact. We are in two different spheres with two different ecosystems.  It's funny because we often make vague promises on keeping in touch because we want to believe it  so bad. That we will be connected but time zones and reality make it an insurmountable maze. Why complicate your life more?

Why try to include someone who doesn't want to be included. or seem not. We never know and it doesn't matter. Let him fade... Let that mild obsession fade. It's crazy because I have all these feelings and conversations in myself. I've had arguments and whirlwind romances with you. I've danced with your figment before ever saying a word to you.

Is it love or fear? Fear of feeling but not receiving. 

You always you....

Girl with tornado thoughts

Continue