Feeling Like Wet Velvet

Dear Humans or as my sister would say hoomans,

I feel so sad. Almost out of it and I don't quite understand why. Maybe it's because the days all meld together like honey.  Endlessly pouring. I feel like I want to disappear. I have been having those cravings for liquor or something burning hot. Something to distract from my sense of restlessness and confusion. I feel like a cheesy individual stuck between feeling and action. I want to have a go button so at least I make some sort of step forward because all I feel  that I am doing is standing still. Just disappearing.

And I don't know if it's due to my current work situation or if it's due what occured. I can't stop thinking about it. Sometimes we make things much more grander then they really are. We really believe the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. The reality is that it's patchy and dry like the side your on.  I feel stuck and depressed.  I have to make a decision because reality is that I'm hurting someone by staying suspended. Like a bug in amber- thats not reality.

You will soon figure it out,

Honey Girl

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Country Sounds

Dear Individual,

We are stuck at home with the infinite amount of time to think or to do work. God its so difficult to do work when you feel like your in the middle of an apocalypse and life changes. I often ask myself why did I go back to California? Why did I throw my life into a cup like dice and shook it. What are the results let me see?

I am unsure. Unsure of which way to go and how to affect others. He can't be on this roller coaster forever. It's cruel and unsettling. I hated to feel as if the love I relied on wasn't stable and true.  I still have fireflies in my eyes and missing my heart. It's gone on a run after seeing you.  Gosh Darn it. It's a poem.

I still have fireflies in my eyes and I’m missing my heart

It's gone on a run after seeing you

 It's trying to catch the spray of the ocean within its hands

Trying to keep up with your shadow on that hike

I keep trying to reel it back in but its slips in out like dream

I dream about you and flickering of the lights

The way the shadows of the fire would make shapes on your cinnamon skin

I just wanted to pick each one out

A requiem to those country sounds

The sway of the grass and hot mocha against our lips

Sometimes life is picture of a scene

Unblemished and out of focus

Hazy and quick footed

Can you hear it? My heart running down that muddy path

Out of breath but not wanting to come back

So cheesy but so true. Maybe I will catch it- I need to. The reality is my life has changed since seeing you. I got a taste of other road and different views. It's easy to want to just fall back in the lull. Fall back into routine. Life is not so cut and dry and that's what I'm learning. I'm battling  feelings and emotions.

Thank you for existing and giving me the gift of different choices.

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Lightening bugs

Hello There,

Writing feels like picking up the phone and speaking to no one on the other side.  It isn't really about having someone listen but just listening to yourself. It's the lifelong journey of being your own best friend. Caring about your own successes and tribulations.  The reality is there is one life.. one amount of odd years and you need to figure out how to find happiness within it. 

We are just human. Human beings that are always trying to strive for perfection- when that doesn't exist. The reality is just finding happiness and peace in the flaws. So many people who have very little time ask to be here. Ask to be in this painful world that is often filled with doubt and difficulty. The reason being that they would rather be here then somewhere or no where. We take for granted how many worthy people leave this world. How many shining lights that really did bring in something with their presence. 

My friend died not so long ago. So many young individuals have passed on. It's strange. Isn't this suppose to be a reality when your 80? Not in you 20's.  I am so young but often feel so old.  

We are so much more then our past and thats what I'm still battling against. I'm battling against my self hatred and self doubt. I am my biggest enemy. I know I can make changes. They just need to happen.

Change will occur-

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Feeling Here

Hey Hello.

I feel as if I'm in an empty auditorium just before the big school concert.  I use to write often about my feelings. I use to be ok with exploring my every fear and concern and laying it out. It was easier to dissect and understand where my thoughts were leading. Now I'm afraid to travel down that road.

I'm afraid to see what is around that corner. I'd rather distract my mind with mindless videos in hopes that maybe - I wont feel that sense of panic. Just like right now. I believe I'm failing my very expensive immigration law course. I can't seem to focus...  I don't know if it's my own little hater. The tiny little creature that lived in the dark corners of my mind screaming.. You suck.   It's always there. Roosevelt called it his black dog. Mine is a little fly- buzzing around.

I have never felt the want to run away as I have now. I keep fantasizing of disappearing. Disappearing from everyone and just emerging as this beautiful wise being. It's crazy - what I yearn for is change. Change of mentality and change within myself. Here I am in this job I always wanted feeling as if everyone can see that I'm a imposter.

My imposter syndrome is red paint that I feel everyone can see. I need a therapist again. She made me feel a little more here vs there. My there is the cave maze that has surprise doubts and fears at every turn. I get stuck in it a lot. It's important to practice ways to bring yourself out. It's kinda like the matrix in that way. You gotta force yourself to be grounded and here. Right now your in the kitchen avoiding your homework.  Your here. Your alive. Semi-healthy- many want half of that.  

I gotta live in the now. Stop thinking about 6 years ago. They say the reason we reminisce is because we know how the story end. We feel safe in that. I want to keep the story going.

Over out.

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