Hello world,
It’s been a long time since I’ve graced your pages Since I’ve thrown out a thought or let my thoughts flow. I think it’s overall super important to allow yourself the ability to speak your truth even if it’s not everyone’s truth. I started taking medication recently meant to combat depression, anxiety, and depression. At first it worked with those reoccurring limerant thoughts and obsessive shopping compulsions. I think they are overall still working with shopping but I don’t think they have worked for stopping my thoughts about you. Although I know the thoughts aren’t true. That my brain just wants to hold onto something that makes it feel alive and happy.
I can’t stop thinking of you and that one meeting we had in over 10 years. Isn’t it funny. How terrifying and wonderful it felt. How delusional it all is because I can trace those same emotions to people I felt the same way about before. But that were equally as delusional and untrue. Untrue because I don’t know you. The same way I didn’t know him. How both of you are equally fleeting and unreal. It’s like I keep going over a melody in my head that just gets stuck. Then I start to recreate it. Or how memories take on soft edges that are unreal.
I’m glad I had some restraint and that I didn’t do anything too crazy. Too wild. Too- the word you used impulsive. It was all impulsive Like a drug addict chasing a high . I’ve been so depressed for so long that the glimmer of happiness regardless of how unreal it is sends me into a constant thought process that is hard to stop. Because it feels so good and so alive but overall damaging.
The pill has helped a little. I have felt at times as if the fog has lifted and I can maybe get somewhere. But other times I just feel content on never getting anywhere. But am I chasing somewhere to feel. When will it be enough?
I’m 33 years old and I still battle with the same thoughts and issues. Maybe it’s the radical acceptance that I will always. That I just need to breathe through it and let the bubble float away.
Maybe I wont ever know. I just am happy that I continue trying.
Thanks,
Watching memories
0 comments:
Post a Comment