Worthy

Hello out there! Let me whisper my feelings into this tiny room:

 I want to not feel like not dying. Which always sounds super dramatic. I don't  feel like this all the time  just when I start to feel like I'm failing or that I don't deserve something.  It's self sabotage and I want to stop feeling like this. I think I did well yesterday when I felt completely and utterly terrible but it felt great to hang out with my friend ( Panda) and get out. Be in the sunshine and near something like the ocean. That also seems to be in a state of chaos  some days but ok other days. If the ocean can be that way maybe I can as well? I need to learn how to ride that chaos and do things that make me happy. Not just exacerbate my sadness like being stuck on an endless digital drip.

I am 27 years old and I need to not be so hard on myself. We are always learning and growing as adults. No one  has it perfectly together and rarely individuals feel happy all the time. The time I felt the happiest I was also struggling so bad financially.  It's a se saw <--- most likely not how it's spelled. 

What caused my small meltdown? My high school paramour's youngest sister. Her name is Aubrey and she is 15 now! I have no idea why this fucked with me so hard. I think it was  because she still held so many tender memories and feelings for me and I could not compute. Literally- I had a wave of negative thoughts and shame. Sheer shame because I felt that I was this terrible human being who ripped her brother's heart out and stomped on it. 

But Panda was right- I have changed and acknowledge that was terrible and that is progress. The small things are progress and if I could redo that whole thing I would end it earlier when I lost the love.  And that is important to recognize.  I am worthy of love. I am capable of change.  I am worthy of love.

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Let's Melt The Colors

 Hey there internet void,

It's ya mess of a girl or woman. Woman more like it- since I am 27. Gosh 27 years old- seems like such a grown-up age. Aren't you suppose to have your shit together by this point? A house , kids and a divine understanding about how the world works?  I honestly believe its a lie that we are all told as children. That somehow as we age we become better people or that the divine being offers a bit of it's wisdom

I want to be happy and proud of the life I live. I know I am constantly holding myself back due to fear of failure. It paralyzes me so much that I don't even make a step forward or even backwards. I just stand still hoping the world will stand still with me. 

Ricardo is right. I am destroying myself. I am allowing myself to stop living and they can see that I have stopped living. My life has become a series of screens in which I don't allow myself to breath or to think. I immerse myself in alternative realities because it often seems so much better then my own. But this is the coward way out and just realistically a lame way to exist.  I want to feel alive and to feel alive I have to work on my self esteem.

I want to exist within my life as a major player and not just as a passive side character. My goals to getting my life back into play is:

- Do homework for my class. Don't give up! Even if your behind try to catch up as much as possible to at the very least get a C in the class.  You can do this! 

-Take hikes/ exercise after work. Something to get your body moving. Either take a walk or something to limber up the body. Care about what you put into your body because this is all you have for a very long time

- Do more self-care activities. Maybe during the break do meditation session. Write more often 

You can do this. Stop letting fear rule your actions. It's never too late.. dont give up.

Love you

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Long Days and Streaming light

Hey Soft Sounds,

I'm glad to be here where I am at. I am happy to be this complicated bundle of nerves and emotions. Also I'm glad to have woken up so early and have taken advantage of it. Even tho I am tired and feel like I could easily curl up in my bed. Those are the best days, when you can softly float into another world. When the bed feels like a a mother's arms rocking you to sleep. It's so tempting often to put a PAUSE on life. 

I am still unsure of my choices and of course think of you. Heck. I think of all you . Boys of my past with love hearts in their eyes. I hope your well. Wherever you are. I hope your happy and get the happiness you deserve . I wish every one of you smiles and caramel kisses. ooey gooey. The kind of love where you feel at ease with the world and finally can stop searching. I hope that love fills every crevice of your  being like a wave.

Maybe you were right that day by the cows. I just hope your happy. Because that is what love is right? Selfless and free. Even without me by your side . Sometimes I am not the best choice. Sometimes our timelines were only meant to briefly pass. Like the moon just misses the sun's beams but can still feel it's warmth. Sometimes our time with people is just a warmth of a hand and a smile. There is so much in that really. It's special even if it isn't forever. Somewhere in time I am stuck there forever- smiling at you as you smile at me. 

Sounds so tragic and beautiful. Do you think this is why people would paint? Just to capture the magic that lays in an evening. Maybe to hold onto it longer. They keep forgetting that oil paint and brush strokes can only do so much. Was that why van gough cut his ear and went insane. How was he to be happy when he couldn't hold it in his gaze longer then a second?

That's the hardest thing in life. Moving forward and letting yourself have more moments. It's the terrible and beautiful things about life knowing that everything will have an ending. Maybe that's why we enjoy it for a little bit longer. It's important to be present to be able to enjoy it. Many people live in the past and are constantly reminiscing. I don't want to be that person anymore. 

Taking little steps forward,

Me

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Red Heart On a Balloon String

Dear Cinnamon Skinned Boy,

With  velvet eyes 

& soft pillow lips

and a heart thudding smile. 

Goodbye. I'm tying  up this feeling  with golden twine and taping it with kisses.  Sending it off to float somewhere in the horizon. Let the pink and purple clouds warm the memories of laughter and uncertainty.   Let it float over the green forest and it's looming trees. Whose grandeur could never compare  to feelings I get  when your finger tips touch mine.

It's sad to know that this story will not have a written ending and just hang like single piano note in the air.  But I am glad to have lit the match to this disaster. Getting to feel like a 16 year old again made me realize I can experience those things again. It teaches me that love is vast and may doors exists to different roads. 

Goodbye toasted air and crackling logs. Goodbye cold damp air and wet bus stop seat. Goodbye boy with midnight hair. 

Floating through this feeling on a purple donut.

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Treat Me Like Fire

Quiero desperaser. Quiero sentirme amada y querida como meresco.

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Popping Bubbles

Hello silent crowd,

I spoke with my friend yesterday and I think she is right. I romanticize this whole affair in a way. He represents the  improbable fairy tale. We have never been together nor have had anything in the semblance of a relationship. It has always been these different encounters that never lead anywhere. If anything it leaves me with feeling insecure and anxious. Always chasing this vague promise of happiness. You look back at my journals it is always filled with this want . This want to feel secure in something or feel as if your feelings are returned. I think my moments of happiness with this person were always short. I had more fulfillment in a friendship with him versus whatever the heck that was.  I deserve my feelings being returned and the feeling of somewhat security. 

That's what I struggled with in reality. I wanted to be told to stay and work whatever this flame was. I wanted for him to tell me that he has been desperately thinking of me too and the what if. That our time was too short and he wanted a lifetime. As I write it it sounds silly. For him it was an encounter but to me it was a page in a book that we had been writing for a very long time. The reality is he told you to go back and continue being happy. To not change anything for him. That coming back and giving everything up for one person was unattractive. 

He doesn't desire this as much as I do. He is a figment. A glitter in the darkness that quickly disappears when you look for it. I've always have grown strong attachments to those who seemed improbable. Maybe because I know the ending and I am searching for validation of my worth. That I am worth it when they stay the night or write back.  It triggers my want to be  loved and to  be validated that I am worth it. I am more that that. 

I am more and if he doesn't want to get to know me then he is not worth my time. I am more than lips and breasts. I have so many people who love me and who have stayed with me. They see me. See me. That is special.They have seen me in every stage of vulnerability and avoidance and want me.

I am over thinking about this over romanticized version of a man that doesn't exists. I am over chasing approval and love when there are so many people throwing it at me. I am over living in clips and not looking at the whole movie reel. I'm done.

You are enough,

girl take off the rose colored glasses

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Falling In Love or Infatuation

Hey been dying to meet you mmmm, 

It's like being told to stay away from the fire but I can't stop wondering about the flame. Is it warm or will it burn. Obviously the logical thought is it will burn. It happens each time I contact him. I start feeling terrible and upset for even being the first one to reach out . I start feeling weak and unsure. It's like this sick feeling at the pit of my stomach . I had this feeling before when I first cheated when I was kid. As in I'm risking doing this ..why aren't you meeting my level of excitement. Isn't this something wonderful for you too? Do you also get butterflies? Or am I just hallucinating.

The reality it is an excuse to just reach out and have contact. When it doesn't matter to have contact. We are in two different spheres with two different ecosystems.  It's funny because we often make vague promises on keeping in touch because we want to believe it  so bad. That we will be connected but time zones and reality make it an insurmountable maze. Why complicate your life more?

Why try to include someone who doesn't want to be included. or seem not. We never know and it doesn't matter. Let him fade... Let that mild obsession fade. It's crazy because I have all these feelings and conversations in myself. I've had arguments and whirlwind romances with you. I've danced with your figment before ever saying a word to you.

Is it love or fear? Fear of feeling but not receiving. 

You always you....

Girl with tornado thoughts

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